Exploring Polyamory

Following a break-up nearly a year ago, this humble blogger has attempted to research and learn as much as she can about Love and relationships. The journey has been a bumpy one, sometimes leading to the formation of new questions rather than the answers to old ones.

One of the new aspects I have been introduced to is polyamory. 

In a previous post discussing types of Love ("Limited Love...?"), I briefly mentioned polyamory as a form of relationship that has been receiving a great deal of attention in the media over the past few years. Surprisingly, though, the latter relationship type has been around for not only decades but centuries.  In fact, an earlier form of polyamory may have indeed been practiced within the free love communities of 19th-century America.

But what is polyamory?
Polyamory is an alternative, counter-culture approach to the conventional monogamous relationship ---a staple of the hetero-normative script. Instead of being limited to two people, romantic affection in a polyamorous relationship is expressed and exchanged between multiple individuals, often at the same time. (The word itself, when linguistically untangled, translates to "multiple loves.")  

So... Are we talking about polygamy? No. Cheating? No. A sexual free-for-all? No!

What is it then?

Thanks to BuzzFeed, I have the following video to offer as an informative introduction to polyamory.

The primary reason for the latter video having been included in this blog post is that it not only addresses some of the most common questions concerning the polyamorous lifestyle --- or, rather, love-style. Because the video is so short, however, I would like to further dissect some of the concerns expressed.

How is polyamory a legitimate romantic relationship style?
According to Dictionary.com, the term relationship means "a connection, association, or involvement"; as well as "an emotional or other connection between people." 

Polyamory is, ideally, an emotional (i.e. romantic) connection and involvement between people. It is a plural relationship, yes. Love, however, is not a finite force. As such, it cannot be restricted or depleted. 

How can you Love more than one person simultaneously?
Again, for the sake of my readers, I must clarify: When I use the word love (with a lowercase "L"), I am referring to the flighty and superficial forms of affection. Such, for example, pertains to crushes. When I use the word Love (with an uppercase "L"), on the other hand, I am referring to the great all-consuming, unselfish force that poets and writers have been trying to characterize for centuries.

Presumably, the majority of us Love our families. Presumably, we all Love our friends. Too, we have Love for all of these people at the same time. And if such is the case, why is it so hard to imagine romantically Loving two (or more) people at the same time?

True, the majority of us were conditioned to believe in the idea of a soulmate, a second-half. There is, however, a counter notion to the latter belief: that we all have more than one soulmate in the world. Even Plato, who wrote the famous dialogue on Love --- "The Symposium"--- did not seem to promote the idea of there being only one perfect 'fit,' or one perfect mate, for each citizen of humanity. Widowed and divorced individuals are still, after all, able to find Love after being separated from his or her original spouse.

How is polyamory different from polygamy?
Watch any documentary about polygamist cults and, more than likely, a common theme that will arise is the oppression of females. Often, there will be mention of forced marriages and child brides. Typically, one man will have multiple wives; and each woman is bound, by her marriage vows, to be faithful and subservient to her husband.

Polygamy, too, is strongly linked to religion. Each of the three Abrahamic religions, in fact, have been or currently are linked to polygamy. Abraham, himself, was a polygamist. So, too, was Jacob... and David... and Solomon...and Muhammad...

Polyamory, as mentioned in the video earlier, is more egalitarian: everyone within a poly relationship is suppose to be given the same amount of respect and value as the other members. 

For the most part, a polyamorous group starts off with a primary couple. Sometimes the couple will be long-term partners who are seeking additional companionship away from the primary relationship. Other times, a married couple will open up their marriage to include other people. 

What separates polyamorous rendezvous from general cheating is that one or both partners will seek out the companionship of others with the full knowledge and consent of his or her primary lover. Such is what is referred to as ethical non-monogamy.

But isn't monogamy natural?
No, there is no scientific evidence to support the theory that monogamy is a natural default for relationships. Actually, it is a general understanding that most humans crave variety. Such could, in fact, explain why infidelity occurs ---even by a person who claims to Love his or her partner. 

It may be easier to argue that, like marriage, monogamy is a social construct.

How can polyamory possibly work?
The same advice that relationship therapists give to monogamous couples for strengthening their bonds can also be applied to polyamorous groups: honesty, trust, and communication. -

First, each individual within the group needs to be honest with his or her self about all personal wants and needs. Obviously, polyamory is not for everyone. And there will, regrettably, be those who will try to use polyamory as a guise or excuse to make sexual conquests. Authentic polyamory, however, requires maturity. 

Too, it requires trust. There is no room for dependency in a relationship, polyamorous or otherwise. Personal space and exploration are important in all forms of Love. Trust yourself enough to stand on your own, and trust your partner to come back to you.

Jealousy is a natural emotion; and, therefore, it should not be feared. When jealousy does occur, it is important that the person experiencing it feels comfortable enough to voice his or her concerns to the other lover(s). 

Just like a seed cannot grow without soil, sun, or water, Love cannot prosper in an environment that is devoid of honesty, trust, and communication.

Recommended Poly Reading
One of the pieces of advice offered in the above video was to "reach out to different sources, and just educate yourself." Through my own research, I have found the following resources to be rather beneficial in the understanding of polyamory.

Books

• The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, & Other Adventures --- Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
• Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships --- Tristan Taormino
• More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory --- Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert
• Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners --- Deborah Anapole

Articles

• "What Monogamous People Can Learn From The Polyamorous Community" --- Jodi Erin  Rabinowitz
• "The 12 Pillars of Polyamory" --- Dr. Kenneth R. Haslam, M.D.

Videos

• Polyamory / Leon Feingold / TEDxBushwick
• ABC News: "These Polyamorous Parents Put Controversial Spin on Child-Rearing"

"I have nothing to wear!": Contradicting A Common Misconception of Womanhood

Caitlyn Jenner has been a source of mixed celebration and resentment since her debut on the celebrity scene in June of this year, posing on the cover of Vanity Fair Magazine. While there are still those who dramatically mourn the 'disappearance' of Caitlyn's alter ego ---Olympic medalist Bruce Jenner ---she has been well received, overall, by other members of the public. 

Last month, Jenner received the Glamour Magazine's Woman of the Year Award ---much to the surprise of some.

In an interview with BuzzFeed, within days of receiving her award, Jenner was asked to name some of struggles she now faces ---as a woman. To the latter, she gave the following response: "The hardest part about being a woman is figuring out what to wear."

... And so fell Caitlyn's points in popularity.

On November 16th, in response to Jenner's comment, actress Rose McGowan wrote the following message on Facebook:

"Caitlyn Jenner you do not understand what being a woman is about at all. You want to be a woman and stand with us- well learn us. We are more than deciding what to wear. We are more than the stereotypes foisted upon us by people like you. You're a woman now? Well f--king learn that we have had a VERY different experience than your life of male privilege."

As a woman in Hollywood ---more importantly, as a sex symbol in American cinema (Jawbreaker and Devil In the Flesh, to name a few of her movie projects) ---Rose McGowan would know quite intimately how women are viewed and treated by the movie and media industries. At her foundation, too, Rose McGowan has a more thorough knowledge of what it means to be a woman than Caitlyn Jenner ever will.

Where It All Began 
Caitlyn Jenner's comment not only feeds modern misconceptions of women. It also indulges at least one obnoxious stereotype that has been around since Ancient Greece. 

As mentioned in one of my earlier posts on this blog ('Got Transcendence?'), Plato, the father of Western Philosophy, frowned upon everything that pertained to the human body. By focusing on the flesh, he insisted, one compromises the discipline that one needs to transcend the world. And as he considered most women to be too occupied with physical beauty to achieve transcendence, Plato did not think much of the fairer sex.

Through use of bodily decoration, young women were meant to act as billboards for their respective family's wealth and prominence. It was their conditioned and enforced duty to be and appear delicate in the treatment of their bodies. For it is within a woman's body that her uterus is housed; and it was a woman's uterus that was once considered the most valuable part of her being. Marriage, after all, was originally a contract between two men over a womb.

Forced to spend their time learning how to appear beautiful and how to manage households, women were unable to excel in the same intellectual arenas as men. As a default, Plato's theory thrived and evolved.

Eventually, the teachings of the Greek scholars would fall into the hands of the Romans. And from the Romans, the Europeans would adopt and adapt the ancient ideologies for their own halls of learning. 

And thus began the formation and migration of patriarchy into the West.

Where It All Continues
Sadly, not much has changed in over the past two millenniums. Even today, in this age of supposed advancements in gender equality, females are groomed from a young age to believe in meeting certain physical requirements. (Note that the latter words were "physical requirements.") 

With the television acting as the main source of communication and bonding (for families), girls are consistently being bombarded with images of how they are meant to look. What is not made apparent to these impressionable girls, however, is that only a small percent of women ---approximately 5% of the population ---have the natural size and frame as 1980s English model Lesley "Twiggy" Lawson. Even the beautiful Audrey Hepburn, who remains a major fashion icon, may not have had her famous waif figure had she not suffered years of starvation and malnutrition at the hands of the Nazis during World War II. 

Today, girls continue to suffer from starvation and malnutrition; but such is typically self-imposed. Anorexia and bulimia, however, are not unique conditions of the 20th and 21st centuries. In her book Fasting Girls: The History of Anorexia Nervosa, author and professor Joan Jacobs Brumberg stresses that food-refusal among middle and upper class girls is a weight management strategy that has been used as early as the sixteenth century. In her follow-up book, The Body Project, Brumberg also notes that ---though we now live in a day and age where girls have more access to appropriate vitamins and nutrients ---girls are suffering from more body issues and diseases than ever. The cause for this digression, Brumberg proposes, is the increase of the use of media and the pressures exerted by it. 

Girls are taught to value numbers. Or, at least, they are taught to value the number of their clothes and scales over their test scores. In order to fit into the latest fashion of clothing, there are girls who are willing to starve themselves. And such behavior is encouraged by not only history but also a current body-shaming society.

Girls are taught to value youth and beauty. Like the Madonna paintings featured in the Louvre, they are taught (and expected) to look flawless and ageless. Some women, after a certain age, will even seek out particular products and procedures to reverse aging. Instead of celebrating their progression in life, women are encouraged to fear.

We, as girls, are taught that we are our bodies... and little else.

Who We Really Are
I am as guilty as the next female who has ever marched to the beat of the patriarchal drum at least once in her life. The pressures of the media (and society) for feminine perfection are ever-present and ever-suffocating. 

As mentioned in the previous section, we girls are taught that we are our bodies. And as much as this humble blogger may resent what she is about to say, such a belief is --- in part ---true. We are our bodies. But not in the sort of way that society and its propaganda would have us believe.

In her acceptance speech for the Glamour Magazine Woman of the Year Award, Jenner quoted the famous philosopher Simone de Beauvior: "One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman."

Not becoming female until her late 60s, Caitlyn Jenner missed out on several feminine experiences: puberty, menstruation, pregnancy, birthing, and menopause. Such, however, are only the biological experiences. 

The biological and social experiences of girls are two sides of the same coin. Each support and reinforce the other. 

Again, from a young age, we females wage war with our bodies ---whether consciously or unconsciously. It is in our ability(s) to survive and overcome each battle that helps make us women.

Actress, writer, and director Lena Dunham (Girls) serves as the best supporting example of the above statement. In an interview with People Magazine last month, Dunham opened up about her experiences with endometriosis and its effect on her body image.

"From the first time I got my period, it didn't feel right. The stomachaches began quickly and were more severe that the mild-irritant cramps seemed to be for the blonde women in pink-hued Midol commercials... If my pain had no tangible source, that just meant my mind was more powerful that I was and it didn't want me to be happy, ever... I saw myself divided like a black-and-white cookie into neat halves: one bright and ambitious, the other destines to wind up strapped to a gurney and moaning for pain meds... I am strong because of what I've dealt with. I am oddly fearless... And I am no longer scared of my body. In fact, I listen to it when it speaks. I have no choice but to respect what it tells me, to respect the strength of its voice and the truth of my own."

Alone, the biological changes that a girl goes though are character-forming. And it is a kind of character-building that Caitlyn Jenner will never have an opportunity to experience. Such experiences make up a large portion of a female's life and thus molds half of her mortal existence.

Personally, this humble blogger has a deep sense of respect for Caitlyn Jenner: She has inwardly and publicly embraced her true self, despite potential ridicule. Not many people, I imagine, can go out of this world saying that they lived genuinely ---having broken away from the hetero-normative script of society to live their own lives, by their own terms. And yet, I find myself standing with Rose McGowan.

If Jenner truly believes that picking out clothes is the hardest part about being a woman, then she knows little ---too little ---about the gender she has chosen to 'join.'

Caitlyn Jenner may, anatomically, meet the qualifications of being a female. And she may also recognize and acknowledge herself as being a female. In terms of psychology and experiences, however, Ms. Jenner will perpetually fall short. She has a long way to go in becoming a woman.