Marriage: A Tradition Worth Saving?

What is marriage?

A simple question in appearance, perhaps; but it can reel-in numerous, extensive, and exhausting answers. As with many things in this world today, the concept of marriage is almost entirely a matter of perspective.

Anyone who watches American television -especially such reality shows as "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?" -may get the impression that the modern marriage is all about living out the Disney-endorsed fairy tale of childhood -with little to no mention of life afterward. What a number of people seem to forget is that a wedding ceremony is meant to last only 30 minutes. A traditional marriage is meant to last for 30 years, at least.   

The following video, created by TED Ed, gives a wonderful (brief) overview of the history of marriage.

 

Marriage, as the above video illustrated, has been around for centuries. It has taken and continues to take many forms -sometimes consisting of more than two individuals; sometimes consisting of same-sex and deceased individuals. 

An additional aspect of marriage that the video points out is that society as a whole holds the monopoly on the idea of what constitutes a marriage. 

So, to amend the question from before, what is marriage in (post)modern America?

Answer: Broken.

Marriage, especially between heterosexual couples, is a failing institution in present-day America. Fifty percent of all marriages currently end in divorce. 

Surely though, because society had a hand in forming the tradition of marriage, it has the power to save the institution from failing altogether.

But, to complicate the matter further, is marriage a tradition worth saving?

Again, answers differ.

A Proposal of Cancellation
In 2012, writer and activist Merav Michaeli gave a TED Talk about the failing archaic tradition of marriage and society's need to do away with it. Please click on the video below to hear her reasoning.

Truly, Michaeli offered a well-founded argument for the cancellation of traditional marriage. From a feminist perspective, the life of a woman who is bound in a traditional marriage is rather thankless and debasing. Even today, living in an economy where both the husband and wife have to work outside of the home to make ends meet, many a woman is still expected to maintain a household -doing the cooking, the cleaning, and the child-rearing -after working eight hours or more a day. 

On occasion, granted, the stereotypical male will look up from ESPN (or Minecraft) long enough to throw his beer bottle into the recycle bin. But help from there is expected to be somewhat limited.

Even if they have never heard of or viewed Michaeli's Talk, it would seem that more and more members of Generation Y are choosing to take part in long-term romantic partnerships rather than getting married.

Perhaps such individuals are victims of broken families, refusing to follow in their (now-divorced) parents' footsteps. Maybe these young people, like Michaeli, see marriage as being archaic and irrelevant. 

Or, maybe, Millennials are too use to throwing something away when it no longer suits them.

A Proposal for Reinvention
Despite Michaeli's insistence that marriage is too broken to be fixed from the inside out, perhaps it can be reconstructed from the outside in. 

To clarify: From the outside, on the sparkly surface, marriage looks like a fabulous affair to be swept up in. Who doesn't like the idea of living out the rest of one's life alongside one's twin flame? Who doesn't like the idea of having a partner to help navigate the obstacles of life with? But, again, that is only the surface. And the surface is what needs to be breached here.

As when dealing with anything sustainable, anything worthwhile, a great deal of dedication and hard work goes into discovering and building relationships. 

Like so many of my peers, I too grew up in a broken home. And yet, somehow, the few successful marriages that I witnessed over the past twenty-five years have helped me become a romantic. My goal is to, one day, have a family of my own -with an established egalitarian relationship between my spouse and I; and, certainly, a few children. 

Perhaps, today, such can be considered rather lofty goals. However, it is my belief that two people working toward a common goal can accomplish a great deal. And, luckily, the most basic marriage only needs two people in order to function, to succeed.

The following, I predict, are the three areas where marriages fail -followed by proposed my proposed solutions.

My List of Three Possible Reasons As to Why Marriages Fail

1. Lack of formed identities. So many people enter into relationships thinking that they will find completion in the form and presence of another person. Instead of focusing on what we want in an ideal mate, however, we need to focus on becoming an ideal mate. (The latter goes for both males and females.) As cheesy as the idea may sound, get to know yourself: build on your strengths and work on your weaknesses. Celebrate your quirks. Date and fall in love with yourself! 

The first marriage a person should look into committing to needs to be with one's self.

2. Failure to communicate. People are more connected than ever; and yet, so few individuals are able to communicate without their iPhone. 

Talk to your partner: check in with them, and make sure that you are both on the same page.

On a deeper level, ask personal questions: What are your goals? Can your goals be achieved together? Can you support each other in your respective goals? What are you both looking for in a relationship? Do you both want marriage and children? Etc.

Discover and dismantle any illusions that may exist between you. Fall in love with your partner, not your idea of who your partner is.

3. The consumerist mentality. As hinted at preciously, much of modern society is sold and treated as being disposable. Once something is broken, people tend to be quick to throw that item away and replace it with something better. 

But that is the difference between objects and people: As the philosopher Immanuel Kant would argue, people are not meant to be thrown away. People, and relationships, are meant to be fixed.

Society needs to stop glorifying divorce as being a quick fix-it-all method.

A Possible Answer
So. . . Is marriage worth saving?

In the traditional sense, no. Perhaps the marriage of old deserves to be put to rest.

Perhaps the tradition needs to die so that something new, something better, can replace it. . . 

Marriage means something different for everyone. Keeping that in mind, for our own personal reasons, we can each decide to let go of marriage and embrace something different; or we can remold the concept into something better.

The ultimate decision is ours, not Society's. 

Gay Marriage: Poking Holes in the 'Anti' Argument

There was dancing in the streets of Austin, and in many other American cities, on the day that it was announced that same-sex marriage had at last been made legal.

Not long after, particularly in the more conservative areas of the United States, protest events were held to demonstrate objection to the Supreme Court's decision. Legalizing gay marriage, to summarize the collective cries, would undermine the sanctity of [holy] matrimony and family.

The American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family, and Property (TFP) is one such Christian campaign that continues to denounce homosexual marriage as being either legal or moral. On one of its associated websites, in fact, the TFP has listed 10 such reasons as to why gay marriage is "harmful."

Although it is by no means this humble blogger's intent to single out the TFP as the solitary voice against homosexual marriage, I recognize its well laid out list of reasons as reflecting much of the same protests made by similar conservative peoples and organizations. (The most recent being that of Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who declined in giving marriage licenses to same-sex couples.)

As such, by using the list as an outline, I need not worry about missing vital part of the issue as I make my counter-argument.


1. Homosexual marriage is not marriage.

"Calling something marriage does not make it marriage. Marriage has always been a covenant between a man and a woman which is by its nature ordered toward the procreation and education of children and the unity and wellbeing of the spouses."

Marriage, in the majority of Abrahamic religious cultures, began as a covenant not between a man and a woman; rather, it was a contract between a man and a woman's father. A woman was primarily bought or sold to her spouse, through either a bride-price or a dowry, so that the man had possession of a womb. And in many parts of the world, the latter practice is still played out today.

Love and equality in marriage are relatively new concepts and almost entirely exclusive to Western culture.

Perhaps, it is time for the convention of "marriage" to be re-evaluated and redefined.

2. Homosexual marriage violates the laws of Nature.

"Marriage is not just any relationship between human beings. It is a relationship rooted in human nature and thus governed by natural law... Any situation which institutionalizes the circumvention of the purpose of the sexual act violates natural law and the objective norm of morality."

Oh, woe to he who passed theology but failed sexology! Homosexual behavior is prevalent in Nature. It is especially used and practiced by the bonobo -mankind's closest biological relative in the animal kingdom. 

In the world of the bonobo, sexual behavior is used as a means of expressing gratitude (for shared food) and avoiding violence (between group members). Anything from groping genitals to full intercourse is practiced among the members of a group, regardless of gender. And because harmony is key to the function of the bonobo, the use of sex helps the bonds between the group members to become strong and deep.

Clearly, humans have inherited the promiscuous tendencies of our primate relatives. Therefore, would it not make sense that we might have inherited other sexual tendencies as well?

3. Homosexual marriage denies a child either a mother or a father.

"It is in the child’s best interests that he be raised under the influence of his natural father and mother. This rule is confirmed by the evident difficulties faced by the many children who are orphans or are raised by a single parent, a relative, or a foster parent... Same-sex “marriage” ignores a child’s best interests."

American society at present is denying children of their mother or father, or both. Mostly, this deprivation is caused by the demand of long workweeks. For some, there are not enough hours in the day to be parents. 

And even if there were enough hours available for some, there are people in this world who do not have the appropriate countenance to be parents. The ability to conceive and birth a child does not a good parent make. Children are just as likely to be abused and neglected by their biological parents as they are by adoptive or foster guardians.

Children need attention from adults. In order to develop properly, they need nurturing (i.e. loving) validation. Just as important, if not more, a child needs to grow up feeling safe. And a homosexual couple is just as capable of meeting a child's needs as a heterosexual couple.

Certain members of society may argue that a child needs a mother and a father, but a child is not born into this world knowing what a parent is. As it grows physically and develops mentally, a child learns who the primary figures in his/her life is. He/She learns which parent fulfills which need best. The titles of "Mother" and "Father" are merely that, titles -means of differentiating one parent from the other. A child, again, only needs to know that it is loved and safe. Everything else is irrelevant. 

4. Homosexual marriage promotes and validates the homosexual lifestyle.

  

"In the name of the “family,” same-sex “marriage” serves to validate not only such unions but the whole homosexual lifestyle in all its bisexual and transgender variants... Legal recognition of same-sex “marriage” would necessarily obscure certain basic moral values, devalue traditional marriage, and weaken public morality."

Three points:

1. Public morality is a creation of a culture's social contract (see Thomas Hobbes); and as society changes, so too does its contract. If the majority of society is in agreement that the homosexual lifestyle is 'worthy' of validation, then rules will gradually change in order to accommodate the new mindset.
2. Just because someone happens to find fulfillment as another gender or with the same sex does not invalidate this individual as a human being. He or she is still a person who is entitled to happiness and love. And speaking of love...
3. When one considers the origins of the practice and the presently high divorce rate, it must be acknowledged that there is something wrong with the traditional take on marriage. And when something is broken, there are only two options: throw it out, or fix it.

5. Homosexual marriage is not a civil rights issue.

 "Homosexual activists argue that same-sex “marriage” is a civil rights issue similar to the struggle for racial equality in the 1960s... This is false."

Homosexuality is a civil (i.e. human) rights issue! Therefore, anything that is associated with it is part of the issue as well. 

Homosexuals are a minority group. Over and over again, especially in the 20th century, they have been discriminated against:

In the early days of Hollywood, actors like Clifton Webb (Laura, 1944) and directors like James Whale (Frankenstein, 1931; Bride of Frankenstein, 1935) hid their sexual identities out of fear of being blacklisted in the film industry. 

During the 1980s, the gay community was used as the scapegoat for the rampant spreading of HIV in America -nevermind that everyone and anyone can be a carrier of the virus. They were victims, too! Victims of the virus, as wells as victims of society.

Why do I point such things out?

I do so to highlight the following element: the oppression of fear. Like the American Americans prior to the Civil Rights Era, like the Jewish population living under Hitler's Nazi regime, the homosexual community in America has been continually deprived -over the years -of certain intrinsic rights, by society. They have been denied acceptance; they have been denied safety; they have been denied happiness. 

The ruling in favor of same-sex marriage is but one overdue step in correcting years of social wrongdoing.

6. Homosexual marriage cannot lead to the creation of a family.

"...[S]ame-sex “marriage” is intrinsically sterile. If the “spouses” want a child, they must circumvent nature by costly and artificial means or employ surrogates. The natural tendency of such a union is not to create families."

Did not Abraham and Jacob, both, use surrogates when it was thought that their respective wives were barren?

Straight couples, due to various complications, sometimes have to resort to "circumvent[ing] nature" in order to have a child. One celebrity couple, Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick, used a surrogate to have their twins. And Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) was conceived through sperm donation.

Also, to restrict the term "family" to refer only to those who are blood-related is ludicrous! Many people find their true family(s) outside of their respective gene pools and amongst their peers (i.e. the tribe). It simply comes down to acceptance, connection, and love. Wherever all three of the latter reside, there is family. 

All humans are capable of accepting, connecting, and loving -regardless of sexuality.
Family does not have to include children. Sometimes, it can just be two people and a pet hedgehog named Hammish.

7. Homosexual marriage undermines the purpose for marriage benefits.

"One of the main reasons why the State bestows numerous benefits on marriage is that by its very nature and design, marriage provides the normal conditions for a stable, affectionate, and moral atmosphere that is beneficial to the upbringing of children—all fruit of the mutual affection of the parents... Homosexual “marriage” does not provide such conditions... It is not entitled, therefore, to the protection the State extends to true marriage."

The State can decide for itself what is worthy of benefits, and what is not. 

Believe it or not, some people do not get married in order to receive tax breaks or insurance discounts. Some people marry in order to ritually bind their soul with that of another human being's. 

And, as point out in a previous section, homosexuals are just as capable of providing safe and loving environments as heterosexual family units. Therefore, each type of union is equally entitled to the protection of the State.

8. Homosexual marriage is an imposition on society.

 "By legalizing same-sex “marriage,” the State becomes its official and active promoter. The State calls on public officials to officiate at the new civil ceremony, orders public schools to teach its acceptability to children, and punishes any state employee who expresses disapproval... In every situation where marriage affects society, the State will expect Christians and all people of good will to betray their consciences by condoning, through silence or act, an attack on the natural order and Christian morality."

Historically, society has a way of doing away with something that proves to be an imposition -in one form or another.

No one is asking the conservative Christians of the world to accept homosexuality or same-sex marriage. A number of us are only asking that such factions be moral enough to practice tolerance toward what they do not like or understand.

It is the practice of intolerance that often leads to such tragedies as the Spanish Inquisition and the Rwanda genocide. 

9.  Homosexual marriage is the straw that will break society's back.

"If homosexual “marriage” is universally accepted as the present step in sexual “freedom,” what logical arguments can be used to stop the next steps of incest, pedophilia, bestiality, and other forms of unnatural behavior?"

Homosexuality is natural. Period.

Incest has been practiced in societies for thousands of years. King Tut married his own sister. The royal families of Europe have inter-bred for centuries. And, in certain parts of the world today, uncles still marry their (teenage) nieces.

People marry their pets -not always for sex, but so as to cement their companionship.

All these things have happened and are happening still in one culture or another today; and yet, the world has not fallen in on itself... 

Relax: your apocalypse will come another day.

10. Homosexual marriage offends God. 

 "Whenever one violates the natural moral order established by God, one sins and offends God. Same-sex “marriage” does just this. Accordingly, anyone who professes to love God must be opposed to it."

By no means do I claim to be a scholar of the Bible. That being said, however, I do recall at least two particular verses:

Luke 6:37 (NIV)
"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven."

Romans 14:4 (NIV)
"Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand."

Surely, someone who loves God does not feel entitled to condemn another human being in place of the Lord...?

If further debate is needed, however, regarding the supposed 'sinfulness' of homosexuality,  please see the chart below.



Conclusion
As an ally of the LGBTQIA (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transexual Queer Intersexual Asexual) community, I see little to no harm in the recent legalization of same-sex marriage. Rather than tearing apart families, I can only see this progressive move as building more honest family systems. And, once people see the goodness of such a change, once people are willing to look beyond former biases and propagandized lies, it is possible that this new ruling may bring about a stronger sense of community amongst Americans.

 

Thank You 'Always'!

Always, an American company that specializes in producing feminine hygiene products, is conducting a campaign called "#LikeAGirl"; and the ads that have been featured thus far are truly inspirational! 

The aim for the campaign is to raise awareness of the devastating drop of confidence that girls experience during puberty (on average, around the age of 12) as a result of society's patriarchal attitudes and practices. Such attitudes and practices have included belittling ambitions, gender shaming, and physical critiques. 

The inspiring message, however, comes from the showcasing of how strong females can be when encouraged to go against the grain.

Although it is not the first or the only one that has been made, the following video -called "Unstoppable" -is surely my favorite commercial (thus far) of the #LikeAGirl campaign. After watching it, I hope that you, too, will take an interest and show your support for Always. 

Show your support for a future society that encourages (authentic) femininity.

Pieces of Sky: Acknowledging the 'Half the Sky' Movement

It is impossible to realize our goals while discriminating against

half the human race. As study after study has taught us, there 

is no tool for development more effective than 

the empowerment of women.

-Kofi Annan, former UN Secretary-General 

Working in a library, one is bound to come across amazing pieces of literature that one never knew existed. Such was the circumstance of my happening upon Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn's book 'Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide.' 

Published in 2010, this well-written volume of investigative journalism documents the stories and plights of women in rural communities and patriarchal societies worldwide. It delves deep into such issues as sex trafficking, genital mutilation, honor killings, and education deprivation. It serves as a whistleblower on patriarchy; but it also acts as a harbinger of hope -for the future.

Before this book landed in my lap, I had been aware that there were such places in the world where young women were barred from school and even sold as slaves -for both sex and domestic purposes. On NPR, I have read a number of articles over the past year about the girls who were kidnapped by Boko Haram, and the young women who have become enslaved by ISIS. However, it was not until I read 'Half the Sky' that I attained greater enlightenment on the conditions and circumstances concerning gender oppression across the globe.

The problem of gender oppression is a large one. Ginormous, even. Whittle away the stories and statistics featured within the pages of the book and an answer is revealed: education and healthcare. The latter may prove to be the key elements that will bring about change in oppressive communities.

An educated girl is more likely to earn an income, to learn a trade or to start a business -which will aid the dilemma of poverty in many African and Asian countries.

A healthy girl is more likely to stay in school, and to survive childbearing -which will increase the mortality rate in certain parts of the world. 

What isn't exactly made (entirely) clear, however, is how an everyday Joe or Jane can go about aiding the young women of the world.

The book does indeed take a look at the effect of Western aid groups, both the good and the bad. And while it points out that funding and supplies to grassroots organizations are welcomed by most impoverished communities, documented occasions do illustrate that the wrong action made by foreign volunteers can be interpreted as imperialistic. (Recommendation: Please read 'Half the Sky' before volunteering for such organizations as the Peace Corps.)

For now, supporting grassroots organization and furthering our own education on gender oppression may be a good start in uprooting worldwide patriarchy. 

Read more books. Watch more documentaries.

Two years after the release of the book, in 2012, the PBS channel featured a documentary of the same title -'Half the Sky.' It focused on the issues Kristof and WuDunn discussed in their book, whilst also including interviews with some of the women whose stories were featured in original work.

The trailer for the documentary can be found below:

Following the release of the book, Sheryl WuDunn was presented in a TED talk that focused  primarily on the economic advantages of educating girls -how such action benefits impoverished, rural communities and third-world countries. The title of her presentation was "Our Century's Greatest Injustice." 

Please click on the video below to view her talk:

For more information regarding the movement, please visit www.halfthesky.org.

What the Rejected Know of Love

It was a boost to my ego, this fact that I learned recently: only 10 percent of the American population is pursing higher education in English (Literature) studies. 

Over the years, I can recall receiving such grief for my choice of an academic discipline. From my elders, I would often receive a quizzical expression and the question, "What are you going to do with [a degree like] that?" From my peers, one in particular, I was the butt of jokes. 

"What is the difference between an English major and a pizza?" the latter mentioned peer asked. The answer was not obvious to me. "One can feed a family of four." I did not laugh.

Yes, we English (Literature) majors are a minority.

At the risk of overly glorifying my own scholastic tribe, however, I feel the need to present the following argument:

Literature nurtures empathy. Outside of a psychology class, fiction offers the greatest insight one might come to have of the human psyche, or the human heart. Fact: Some of the most intelligent, empathetic, and complex people I know are English majors.

In truth, practically everything that I have come to understand about Love I learned from the monsters, the outsiders, and the unwanted of literature.

The following three stories and characters have served as my greatest mentors. (NOTE: For the benefit of those who have yet to read the books I am about to mention, I have incorporated media clips that best represent my driving points.)

Frankenstein
Mary Shelley's story of an ambitious (albeit 'mad') doctor and his ghoulish creation always struck me as more of a tragedy than a horror. While some people may argue that it is a cautionary tale of what happens when man plays God, I believe it to be a depiction of a (if not the) chronic human condition: finding acceptance, finding love, in a loveless world. 

In 1931, director James Whale and actor Boris Karloff frightened the world with their cinematic rendition of Shelley's novel. Four years later (1935), both Whale and Karloff reunited and fleshed-out the previous (film) story of Frankenstein's creation with 'The Bride of Frankenstein.' Although the screenplay was more original than faithful (to the novel) in terms of events and characterization, it brought to audiences a more tragic portrayal of the "monstrous" creation. 

One of my favorite scenes from the movie is featured below:

To this day, the conclusion of 'Bride of Frankenstein' still makes me cry . . .

A second rendition of the story: Recently, I was turned on to the Showtime original series Penny Dreadful -a Gothic series that follows its own storyline while also incorporating iconic literary characters and plots from such classics as Dracula, The Picture of Dorian Gray, and Frankenstein. 

In the first season of the show, the (original) creation of Victor Frankenstein is given the name Caliban -from Shakespeare's The Tempest. After being abandoned by his creator, Caliban (portrayed by Rory Kinnear) wanders Europe in search of his 'father.' Eventually, he makes his way to London. After being made to suffer at the fists and feet of a handful of drunken men, Caliban unexpectedly finds himself being both adopted and employed by a seasoned veteran of the amateur British stage. (It is from this elderly actor that Caliban actually receives his name.) Living amongst humans, albeit as a scorned outcast, Caliban comes to witness both pain and love. 

Eventually, as in the novel and the latter mentioned film, Caliban confronts Frankenstein and makes a chilling demand of him: the creation of a mate.

Below, I have included one of the most heartbreaking scenes that revolves around Caliban.

Both Karloff and Kinnear, in my opinion, do just portrayals of Frankenstein's creation. Although both 'The Bride of Frankenstein' and 'Penny Dreadful' follow their own storylines, Frankenstein's creation is depicted as a sensitive, rather childlike, figure that is both prone to horrific violence and intense emotion. The creature, in fact, has such a strong sense of emotional intelligence that he understands his inner need for acceptance by another living creature.

Jane Eyre
Hailed as one of the most beloved heroines of literature, Jane Eyre (of Charlotte Bronte's classic Gothic romance Jane Eyre) suffered the ridicule often reserved for monstrous villains. Such behavior, however, was not provoked by any ugliness that she possessed physically. Rather, the abuse transpired because Jane was an orphan; an unwanted orphan that was demeaned and then thrown away by her only known and living relatives. 

Raised in a puritanical boarding school, Jane continued to suffer abuse and loss before finally receiving her chance to escape: she receives employment as a governess in the remote and dreary estate of Thornfield Hall. 

Although a rather self-efficient and independent being, the heroine finds herself drawn to the older and troubled owner of the estate -Mr. Edward Rochester. Although such accusations can merely be written off as a cruel form of flirting on her employer's part, Jane cowers under Rochester's domineering voice and his accusations of her being a 'witch,' an 'elf,' and a 'strange, unearthly thing.' Such words, one must understand, bared a close resemblance to the harsh words she received as a child -her being called 'it' and an 'unnatural child.' 

If little else, Jane Eyre creates a fairly realistic portrait (just one among many) as to how people who were abused as children tend to handle relationships as adults.

While there have been many film renditions of Jane Eyre over the past several decades, only one stands out in my mind as possessing the most profound portrayal of the iconic proposal scene. The following clip is from 1983 BBC miniseries of Jane Eyre, starring Zelah Clarke and Timothy Dalton:

The Phantom of the Opera
Much like the story of Frankenstein's creature, Gaston Leroux's novel The Phantom of the Opera felt misplaced -to me -as a work of horror. True, the Phantom -Erik -did some rather horrific things throughout the story; however, I always found him to be redeemable on account that, what he did, he did out of a need for love. Over and over again, he was willing to kill and sabotage the members of the Opera Populaire only to prove his devotion to the young singer Christine Daae.

As a child, my father introduced me to the original Broadway soundtrack for Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical adaptation of Leroux's novel. Although the cruelty of Erik is toned down a bit for the theatre, the haunting ache that the Phantom possesses is reflected so profoundly in the music that it is hard to overlook. Such is especially true in the final few scenes of musical, as featured below: (NOTE: The following clip is from the 25th anniversary recording of the musical, starring Ramin Karimloo and Sierra Boggess.)

Much the same as with 'The Bride of Frankenstein,' I cannot watch 'The Phantom of the Opera' without crying. And reading the book has only made me more sympathetic and understanding of the poor wretch that was Erik the Phantom. 

*SPOILER* I say "was" only because, unlike in Webber's musical, it can be assumed that -at the end of the novel -Erik dies from a broken heart.

What I Have Learned From "Monsters":
While at least two of the three characters mentioned in this post are physically grotesque, what made them monsters is the fact that they were all rejected and scorned by society. While I usually say the following as a joke, it is true: People create their own monsters. 

There are few social sins greater than being born disfigured, physically ugly. A close second would be to be born poor, economically disadvantaged. Even in the world of today, there are those poor souls who are set apart from the majority in a scornful manner simply because of physical appearance or financial depravity. And from scorn does the seed of malice take root.

There are those outcasts,however, who if shown a glimmer of kindness, can find it in themselves to rise above the hatred others show to and breed in them. Frankenstein's creature had the kind old man; Jane Eyre had Miss Temple, a teacher; and Erik had the Persian, who saved him. 

If Literature teaches anything, it is that those who are typically deprived of Love tend to be the ones who come to understand the emotion best. At least, they come to know all the suffering and punishment of Love; and, sometimes, they get to reap its reward. Though, not always. Of the three mentioned, sadly, only Jane received a happy ending.

 
from 'The Phantom of the Opera,
25th Anniversary at Royal Albert Hall

If my three mentors have taught me anything, however, it is thus: Love is a gift, not a right. It is not expendable. Love sees past physical ugliness, to the depth and soul of a being. It is the child of Compassion and Respect. Truth and commitment are its cornerstones. 

Love means enduring disappointments; and sometimes, it means having to let the other person go.

Love is a joy and a sacrifice. Love is an emotion, and it is a choice. It is a blessing and a curse. 

But it is worth it, all the same. 

Such is what the rejected know of Love.

Why I Still Watch 'Labyrinth'

"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered,

I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City

to take back the child that you have stolen. . ."

-Sarah (Labyrinth)

It puzzles some people, the possibility that a twenty-five-year-old woman can still derive pleasure and entertainment from watching a children's movie. For me, this guilty pleasure of mine, that I brought over from my (late) childhood, is Jim Henson's Labyrinth.

Especially within the past few years, I have had revived interest in ancient mythology and fairy tales. Perhaps, in a sense, I can blame this reawakening on Disney's release of more feminist feature films such as Tangled and Frozen. Yes, I was part of the generation who was quote-on-quote fortunate enough to have such female / princess role-models as Ariel, Jasmine, and Belle. However, looking back on these characters with adult eyes, were these women truly worth aspiring to?

Ariel taught me to want more. She taught me to be curious of the quote-on-quote world above, as well as to question and challenge authority (especially parents) . . . But she was also a hoarder. And immature.

Jasmine taught me to say "No!" She was determined that she was going to write her own story, to not allow her life to be dictated by the law or her station. She was as ferocious as her pet tiger! . . . But she always seemed to have her pantaloons in a bind. 

Belle taught me to love books. She was the 'odd one' in her hometown, yes; but she was not afraid to want the things that she did. She was not afraid to question the status quo, or to discourage the advances of the village 'pretty boy' . . . But she was also nosy and snobbish. And instead of having "so much more than they've got planned," Belle ended up getting married by the end of the film.

In fact, all of the latter mentioned Disney princesses ended up getting married. Much like Bella Swan of the Twilight Saga, these girls' only major triumph was that they got married. 

In contrast, Sarah (from Labyrinth) taught me to grow up . . . and to stand on my own.

Meet Sarah

Sarah, portrayed by Jennifer Connelly

Sarah is the Every(wo)man of the story/movie 'Labyrinth.' She can almost be considered a cross between Alice (from Alice in Wonderland) and Dorothy (from The Wizard of Oz).

At the beginning, she is shown to be a young woman, a teenager, who is holding fast to the fantasies of her childhood while the rest of the world attempts to force her to grow up. Sarah finds adult life, adult things, to be smothering and unfair. But it is this, her struggle to accept adulthood, that can make Sarah such a relate-able and valued character for many a woman -regardless of age.

As the movie opens, Sarah is left home alone to babysit her infant half-brother Toby. Resenting the responsibility, and Toby's ceaseless crying, she 'accidentally' wishes for the goblins to come and take the child away. Realizing too late what she had done, Sarah begs Jareth the Goblin King (played by David Bowie) to return her brother to her. Jareth, who is in love with Sarah, tells her that the only way she can get her brother back is for Sarah to solve his labyrinth. Sarah accepts, knowing that she has only thirteen hours to meet Jareth's challenge before Toby is turned into a goblin.

While wandering around an ever-changing labyrinth, and trying to avoid Jareth's sabotaging tactics, Sarah picks up three unlikely friends: Hoggle the Dwarf, Ludo the Beast, and Didymous the Knight. Like Sarah, the latter mentioned characters also carry a resemblance to Dorothy's companions in The Wizard of Oz. 

Lessons Learned
As mentioned previously, Sarah starts her journey through the Jareth's labyrinth as a whiny, immature child. So much so that it can, at first, be hard to sympathize with her. Even Hoggle, upon first meeting the girl, points out to Sarah that she takes too many things for granted. 

As her journey deepens, however, our heroine -both through her experiences and friendships -begins to change and grow.

The lessons that Sarah learns are as follows:

Never take things for granted. Sarah, in the beginning, took everything at face value and dismissed it if it did not agree with her ideals. So stuck in her ways was she that Sarah often found herself in even greater peril than before [she started]. It is only after she is poisoned by Jareth that Sarah learns to start asking questions . . .!

Life is rarely fair. One saying that Sarah carelessly throws around during the first half of the movie is "It's not fair!" Only when the phrase / accusation is turned on her (by Hoggle) does Sarah realize the weight and rebuttal to these words: ". . . but that's the way it is."

Sarah (Connelly) and Jareth (David Bowie)

Family (loved ones) matters more than possessions. After being poisoned and waking with amnesia, Sarah meets a rather gnarly-looking trash goblin who tries to convince her that material possessions are the only things worth seeking. But when Sarah comes across something that shakes her out of her confused state, she realizes just how worthless possessions truly are. "It's all junk!" she exclaims. "I have to save Toby!" It is in this defining moment of the story that Sarah truly becomes an adult.

The only person who has power over you is YOU. Such is the greatest lesson, I believe, from Labyrinth. Often times over the course of life, an individual may feel powerless. None of us like the idea of being at the mercy of someone else. Sometimes, however, we feel like we have no choice; we must concede to the fact that other people have power / influence over us. Like Sarah, though, I have come to learn something: Power is given, not taken. The human spirit is the most relentless and indestructible weapon in Creation. As long as one maintains the fire within, nothing can stop, dominate, or destroy you -without your permission.

Without a doubt, my favorite scene in Labyrinth is Sarah's final confrontation with Jareth:

Although the above lesson / scene is vital, there is one last thing that Sarah learns:

Don't be afraid to need your inner child. Although Sarah ends her journey back at home, smarter and wiser than she was before leaving, she knows that she cannot fully turn her back on her childhood fantasies. Sometimes, an adult needs to channel back to his/her inner child. Children have an innate talent for finding magic in the world; they have the ability to see good in everything. As adults, we need to remember how to see magic, to see good, around us and in us. When we stop, a part of us dies. And so does magic.

Sarah, hands down, is one of my favorite fictional heroines. She is the reason that I continue to watch Labyrinth.

The Beginning In the End: How A Feminist Can Survive A Breakup

from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Whether the writing was on the walls or the reality was "lovingly" glossed over, no one (male or female) is ever prepared for a breakup.

Along with it being a time of bliss and engagements, the Yuletide season can also be a time of pain and separations. The holidays, understandably being the most stressful time of the year, can force people to see certain aspects of life and relationships more clearly than ever -both the good and the ugly.

Breakup 101
When it comes to breakups, there are some things that everyone knows but so rarely shares (or acknowledges). For starters: Breakups are a form of death. Perhaps, it is the cruelest kind of death. Particularly because the person that was, technically, lost is still breathing and walking about the world . . . without you. And with all deaths, all forms of traumatic loss, there is a period of grieving.

In the psychological world, there is an identified cycle of emotions for those in mourning. And while there are more technical textbook definitions for each stage, I shall present them in the form of quotes that my readers may be altogether (too) familiar with:

STAGE ONE: Denial - "I can't believe this is happening . . .!"

STAGE TWO: Anger - "How could he/she do this to me?!"

STAGE THREE: Bargaining - "If I [insert action], maybe he/she will take me back."

STAGE FOUR: Depression - "Without him/her, I have no reason to live . . ."

STAGE FIVE: Acceptance - "It happened. Life goes on."

Of course, these stages do not always go in order; and, sometimes, a few of them might be repeated over the course of the healing process. Just know, however, that what you may be experiencing is entirely normal. It's human.

Messages from the Media

Edward and Bella . . . Enough said.

Obviously, this humble blogger has little to no respect for the popular media. This is not only true in terms of the media's projected idea(s) of what constitutes the perfect feminine body, but also in its message that a female should harbor a life-or-death need for a mate. 

American society likes to endorse couples. During the time that males are encouraged to wander, party, and hookup (in their 20s), their female counterparts are told that they need to look sexy and seek companionship. Obviously, when there are two differing types of memos in circulation, hearts are going to get broken. 

Maturity and communication: two things that the media doesn't endorse, but elements that are vital, nonetheless, to a relationship. 

Don't allow society, or your social circle, to make you feel guilty for being dumped. Relationships are hard work; and they only thrive when both halves are happy, fulfilled, and communicating.  

What I Have Come to Realize
Whether you had been in your relationship for three weeks or three months or three years, breaking up still 'sucks' -using the colloquial term.

The following are some of the things that I have come to realize whilst recovering from my recent relationship catastrophe:

LESSON #1 - Closure is self-attained.
In at least three of the grieving stages, there exists a desire to seek out explanations and to assign blame. At the end of it all, what caused the breakup does not truly matter. (Unless one-half of the party was abusive or unfaithful. Then what more of an explanation is needed?) Erase the storyline and acknowledge, wholeheartedly, this one fact: Choices were made. Period. End of story.

LESSON #2 - You're going to hurt; and that's okay.
In life, pain is inevitable; but suffering is optional. Suffering is a choice; a choice that can, in its most destructive form, turn into depression. But fight against the urge to spiral (too far) down.

There will be days when you will not want to eat, or you are unable to eat. There will be days when you cannot get out of bed, or nights that you cannot sleep. In just a short amount of time, you might experience more stomachaches and headaches -as well as chest pains -than you thought reasonable or possible. But the worst thing you can do is to be angry at yourself when this happens. Remember: You are hurting because it (your Love) was real. Ride out the pain. It's okay to have bad days.

You have to have bad days now in order to have good ones in the future.

LESSON #3 - There is happiness and freedom in being single.
See your single life as a chance to blossom. Again, post-breakup life can be a destructive phase for many people (male and/or female). Take this time to explore yourself and find new interests. Rediscover yourself; love yourself. Proceed with caution, though: Only make a change that will benefit you. As the other person is no longer in the picture, changing for your ex is counterproductive. You are the only one who matters now.

LESSON #4 - Stay busy.
Staying busy is key. Go back to school. Travel to another state or country. Establish a weekly Girls' Night Out. Volunteer at the food bank. Do something and do it as often as possible. You cannot miss someone when you are too caught up in living.

LESSON #5 - Love is Love. (With a capital "L.")
Love is the most irrational emotion that one can experience; which explains why some of the things we do, sometimes the things that cause breakups, are illogical and childish. But Love is also an ability; a blessed experience. 

While caught up in the bliss of the experience, however, we sometimes forget that Love is also a great source of pain.

When all is said and done, it's okay to still be in Love with your ex. But like Ingrid Michaelson says in her song "Maybe":

If you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I've got to let them go.

P.S. For those days when you need to shut yourself inside and wallow, I have a few short lists of favorites that may prove useful to you, my heartbroken brothers and sisters:


- MY TOP 5 POST-BREAKUP MOVIES -
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Legally Blonde
My Fair Lady
The Silver Lining Playbook
500 Days of Summer

- MY TOP 8 POST-BREAKUP  SONGS -
"Maybe" - Ingrid Michaelson
"Stronger Woman" - Jewel
"You're the Only Place" - Josh Groban
"Tomorrow" - Avril Lavigne
"Haven't Met You Yet" - Michael Buble
"The Heart of Life" - John Meyer
"There's More to Me Than You" - Jessica Andrews
"It's A Beautiful Day" - Michael Buble