The Beginning In the End: How A Feminist Can Survive A Breakup

from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Whether the writing was on the walls or the reality was "lovingly" glossed over, no one (male or female) is ever prepared for a breakup.

Along with it being a time of bliss and engagements, the Yuletide season can also be a time of pain and separations. The holidays, understandably being the most stressful time of the year, can force people to see certain aspects of life and relationships more clearly than ever -both the good and the ugly.

Breakup 101
When it comes to breakups, there are some things that everyone knows but so rarely shares (or acknowledges). For starters: Breakups are a form of death. Perhaps, it is the cruelest kind of death. Particularly because the person that was, technically, lost is still breathing and walking about the world . . . without you. And with all deaths, all forms of traumatic loss, there is a period of grieving.

In the psychological world, there is an identified cycle of emotions for those in mourning. And while there are more technical textbook definitions for each stage, I shall present them in the form of quotes that my readers may be altogether (too) familiar with:

STAGE ONE: Denial - "I can't believe this is happening . . .!"

STAGE TWO: Anger - "How could he/she do this to me?!"

STAGE THREE: Bargaining - "If I [insert action], maybe he/she will take me back."

STAGE FOUR: Depression - "Without him/her, I have no reason to live . . ."

STAGE FIVE: Acceptance - "It happened. Life goes on."

Of course, these stages do not always go in order; and, sometimes, a few of them might be repeated over the course of the healing process. Just know, however, that what you may be experiencing is entirely normal. It's human.

Messages from the Media

Edward and Bella . . . Enough said.

Obviously, this humble blogger has little to no respect for the popular media. This is not only true in terms of the media's projected idea(s) of what constitutes the perfect feminine body, but also in its message that a female should harbor a life-or-death need for a mate. 

American society likes to endorse couples. During the time that males are encouraged to wander, party, and hookup (in their 20s), their female counterparts are told that they need to look sexy and seek companionship. Obviously, when there are two differing types of memos in circulation, hearts are going to get broken. 

Maturity and communication: two things that the media doesn't endorse, but elements that are vital, nonetheless, to a relationship. 

Don't allow society, or your social circle, to make you feel guilty for being dumped. Relationships are hard work; and they only thrive when both halves are happy, fulfilled, and communicating.  

What I Have Come to Realize
Whether you had been in your relationship for three weeks or three months or three years, breaking up still 'sucks' -using the colloquial term.

The following are some of the things that I have come to realize whilst recovering from my recent relationship catastrophe:

LESSON #1 - Closure is self-attained.
In at least three of the grieving stages, there exists a desire to seek out explanations and to assign blame. At the end of it all, what caused the breakup does not truly matter. (Unless one-half of the party was abusive or unfaithful. Then what more of an explanation is needed?) Erase the storyline and acknowledge, wholeheartedly, this one fact: Choices were made. Period. End of story.

LESSON #2 - You're going to hurt; and that's okay.
In life, pain is inevitable; but suffering is optional. Suffering is a choice; a choice that can, in its most destructive form, turn into depression. But fight against the urge to spiral (too far) down.

There will be days when you will not want to eat, or you are unable to eat. There will be days when you cannot get out of bed, or nights that you cannot sleep. In just a short amount of time, you might experience more stomachaches and headaches -as well as chest pains -than you thought reasonable or possible. But the worst thing you can do is to be angry at yourself when this happens. Remember: You are hurting because it (your Love) was real. Ride out the pain. It's okay to have bad days.

You have to have bad days now in order to have good ones in the future.

LESSON #3 - There is happiness and freedom in being single.
See your single life as a chance to blossom. Again, post-breakup life can be a destructive phase for many people (male and/or female). Take this time to explore yourself and find new interests. Rediscover yourself; love yourself. Proceed with caution, though: Only make a change that will benefit you. As the other person is no longer in the picture, changing for your ex is counterproductive. You are the only one who matters now.

LESSON #4 - Stay busy.
Staying busy is key. Go back to school. Travel to another state or country. Establish a weekly Girls' Night Out. Volunteer at the food bank. Do something and do it as often as possible. You cannot miss someone when you are too caught up in living.

LESSON #5 - Love is Love. (With a capital "L.")
Love is the most irrational emotion that one can experience; which explains why some of the things we do, sometimes the things that cause breakups, are illogical and childish. But Love is also an ability; a blessed experience. 

While caught up in the bliss of the experience, however, we sometimes forget that Love is also a great source of pain.

When all is said and done, it's okay to still be in Love with your ex. But like Ingrid Michaelson says in her song "Maybe":

If you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I've got to let them go.

P.S. For those days when you need to shut yourself inside and wallow, I have a few short lists of favorites that may prove useful to you, my heartbroken brothers and sisters:


- MY TOP 5 POST-BREAKUP MOVIES -
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Legally Blonde
My Fair Lady
The Silver Lining Playbook
500 Days of Summer

- MY TOP 8 POST-BREAKUP  SONGS -
"Maybe" - Ingrid Michaelson
"Stronger Woman" - Jewel
"You're the Only Place" - Josh Groban
"Tomorrow" - Avril Lavigne
"Haven't Met You Yet" - Michael Buble
"The Heart of Life" - John Meyer
"There's More to Me Than You" - Jessica Andrews
"It's A Beautiful Day" - Michael Buble