A simple question in appearance, perhaps; but it can reel-in numerous, extensive, and exhausting answers. As with many things in this world today, the concept of marriage is almost entirely a matter of perspective.
Anyone who watches American television -especially such reality shows as "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?" -may get the impression that the modern marriage is all about living out the Disney-endorsed fairy tale of childhood -with little to no mention of life afterward. What a number of people seem to forget is that a wedding ceremony is meant to last only 30 minutes. A traditional marriage is meant to last for 30 years, at least.
The following video, created by TED Ed, gives a wonderful (brief) overview of the history of marriage.
An additional aspect of marriage that the video points out is that society as a whole holds the monopoly on the idea of what constitutes a marriage.
So, to amend the question from before, what is marriage in (post)modern America?
Answer: Broken.
Marriage, especially between heterosexual couples, is a failing institution in present-day America. Fifty percent of all marriages currently end in divorce.
Surely though, because society had a hand in forming the tradition of marriage, it has the power to save the institution from failing altogether.
But, to complicate the matter further, is marriage a tradition worth saving?
Again, answers differ.
A Proposal of Cancellation
In 2012, writer and activist Merav Michaeli gave a TED Talk about the failing archaic tradition of marriage and society's need to do away with it. Please click on the video below to hear her reasoning.
On occasion, granted, the stereotypical male will look up from ESPN (or Minecraft) long enough to throw his beer bottle into the recycle bin. But help from there is expected to be somewhat limited.
Even if they have never heard of or viewed Michaeli's Talk, it would seem that more and more members of Generation Y are choosing to take part in long-term romantic partnerships rather than getting married.
Perhaps such individuals are victims of broken families, refusing to follow in their (now-divorced) parents' footsteps. Maybe these young people, like Michaeli, see marriage as being archaic and irrelevant.
Or, maybe, Millennials are too use to throwing something away when it no longer suits them.
A Proposal for Reinvention
Despite Michaeli's insistence that marriage is too broken to be fixed from the inside out, perhaps it can be reconstructed from the outside in.
To clarify: From the outside, on the sparkly surface, marriage looks like a fabulous affair to be swept up in. Who doesn't like the idea of living out the rest of one's life alongside one's twin flame? Who doesn't like the idea of having a partner to help navigate the obstacles of life with? But, again, that is only the surface. And the surface is what needs to be breached here.
As when dealing with anything sustainable, anything worthwhile, a great deal of dedication and hard work goes into discovering and building relationships.
Like so many of my peers, I too grew up in a broken home. And yet, somehow, the few successful marriages that I witnessed over the past twenty-five years have helped me become a romantic. My goal is to, one day, have a family of my own -with an established egalitarian relationship between my spouse and I; and, certainly, a few children.
Perhaps, today, such can be considered rather lofty goals. However, it is my belief that two people working toward a common goal can accomplish a great deal. And, luckily, the most basic marriage only needs two people in order to function, to succeed.
The following, I predict, are the three areas where marriages fail -followed by proposed my proposed solutions.
My List of Three Possible Reasons As to Why Marriages Fail
1. Lack of formed identities. So many people enter into relationships thinking that they will find completion in the form and presence of another person. Instead of focusing on what we want in an ideal mate, however, we need to focus on becoming an ideal mate. (The latter goes for both males and females.) As cheesy as the idea may sound, get to know yourself: build on your strengths and work on your weaknesses. Celebrate your quirks. Date and fall in love with yourself!
The first marriage a person should look into committing to needs to be with one's self.
2. Failure to communicate. People are more connected than ever; and yet, so few individuals are able to communicate without their iPhone.
Talk to your partner: check in with them, and make sure that you are both on the same page.
On a deeper level, ask personal questions: What are your goals? Can your goals be achieved together? Can you support each other in your respective goals? What are you both looking for in a relationship? Do you both want marriage and children? Etc.
Discover and dismantle any illusions that may exist between you. Fall in love with your partner, not your idea of who your partner is.
3. The consumerist mentality. As hinted at preciously, much of modern society is sold and treated as being disposable. Once something is broken, people tend to be quick to throw that item away and replace it with something better.
But that is the difference between objects and people: As the philosopher Immanuel Kant would argue, people are not meant to be thrown away. People, and relationships, are meant to be fixed.
Society needs to stop glorifying divorce as being a quick fix-it-all method.
A Possible Answer
So. . . Is marriage worth saving?
In the traditional sense, no. Perhaps the marriage of old deserves to be put to rest.
Perhaps the tradition needs to die so that something new, something better, can replace it. . .
Marriage means something different for everyone. Keeping that in mind, for our own personal reasons, we can each decide to let go of marriage and embrace something different; or we can remold the concept into something better.
The ultimate decision is ours, not Society's.
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