No Ring, No Rest!

For centuries, the feminine sex has been saddled with two weighty expectations: marriage and motherhood. While it is a relief to know that modern American society no longer acknowledges the latter roles as being a woman's only purposes in life, the same Old World pressures still exist. 

And no greater exertion of nagging on the latter matters takes place than during the holiday season.

For nearly two months, young women -especially those in their twenties and in a relationship -are plagued with questions that typically revolve around the themes of marriage and children. The biggest fiends of this emotional flagellation are often identified as worried mothers, pushy aunts, and 'encouraging' friends. And the media, come to think of it, does not help the unmarried individual's cause either -with those looped jewelry commercials sandwiched between holiday movie specials. 

True, there are some modern women who have naturally (or carefully cultivated) thick skin and are able to shield themselves from the pressures of social convention. In contrast, for those of us who have been bypassed by this form of evolution, Thanksgiving and Yuletide get-togethers can be as painful as undergoing a root canal procedure . . . without the Novocaine!

The Hypocrisy
I have never been married; I have never been engaged. For almost three years, though, I have been blessed to have a wonderful man in my life; a man who is kind, respectful, content, open-minded, intelligent, talented, and driven. Since the first month of our relationship, however, people have been asking us such questions as "How long have you two been married?" and "Why aren't you two married yet?"

While I admire the fact that people -strangers -take the time to notice and remark that my boyfriend and I make an adorable couple, I sometimes wish that they wouldn't. The observation is almost always followed by one of the above mentioned questions.

The responsibility falls to the woman to tame the man, to convince him that he cannot live without her. So she dolls herself up and laughs at his boyish jokes; she joins him for a Dungeons and Dragons campaign, or she attends classes to learn swing dancing. After a while, she may even come to reconsider her former beliefs on watching Family Guy or having premarital sex.

But after so much time comes to pass and no ring materializes, the questioning phase begins: "Am I doing something wrong?"

'Adelaide's Lament'
In the musical Guys and Dolls, the character Adelaide is introduced as the fiancee of the gangster Nathan Detroit. His fiancee, mind, for fourteen years! For a woman to wait around for over a decade for a man to finally stand up with her at the altar, some people may argue, is either a mark of saintly dedication or of low self-respect. 

The waiting did not come without repercussions, however. In the play, Adelaide suffered frequently from cold-like symptoms, sneezing and wheezing, accompanied by frazzled nerves and mood swings. According to such medical sources as the Mayo Clinic, all of the latter are expected signs of anxiety.

No, it would not be too far-fetched to say that the song - titled 'Adelaide's Lament' -is an exaggeration. On the other hand: for a number of women stuck in an emotional purgatory, waiting for a proposal, there may be something within the lyrics that stings with truth.

Whether by natural wiring or social conditioning, women tend to be tied strongly to their emotions. As a result, the longer that a woman remains in a romantic relationship, the greater her emotional investment. And as with any investment, the hope is that what 'currency' is put in comes back in greater value (volume) than before. A woman is taught that the biggest return payment she can hope for, in regard to a romantic attachment, is a ring and a wedding. When the return payment is stalled, however, jabs at both her reputation and judgement are likely to come about.

Sadly, not a great deal has changed since the age of Jane Austen.

The Extortion
Culturally, marriage has been turned into a commercialized industry. 

The American entertainment industry perpetually gangs up on women -with such television shows ranging from The Bachelorette to Wedding Wars -and strives to invoke both guilt and shame in the absence of an engagement.

But then, when an engagement is secured, a new kind of pressure emerges: the expectation to have a fairy tale wedding.

In my younger twenties, I had the mixed fortune of working for a wedding publication. As such, I spent many a weekend in the presence of engaged women and wedding consultants. Often what I witnessed seemed less associated with love than it did with image and profit.

Perhaps more myth than truth, a woman -supposedly -dreams of and plans for her wedding starting at a young age. It is the one day, she is lead to believe, that she can feel like and be seen as a princess -just like Cinderella, Belle, and Kate [Middleton] before her. So, naturally, everything must be perfect: the dress, the cake, the venue, the invitations, the flowers, the catering, guest lists, wedding favors . . . Material things, all of a sudden, take up more importance than the thing that supposedly got her to where she is in the first place: love.

Fairy tales can be expensive: According to an article from the Huffington Post, the average wedding in the United States can cost up to $28,427. 

. . . Suddenly, a modest elopement does not seem so bad . . .

Establish Boundaries
In regard to familial nagging, ladies, unfortunately there is little more than I can offer (in terms of advice) other than the words 'grin and bear it.'

No matter the century one finds herself in, the fundamental motive of marriage remains the same: children. Marrying for love, still, is a relatively new and revolutionary idea. For the American woman, it is a luxury she should not underestimate or abuse.

As the popular saying goes, the only behavior you can change is your own.

Therefore, consider these words next time when faced with questions or guilt concerning marriage:

• Is he truly 'the One'? Divorce is an ugly affair. Therefore, make sure you know who it is that you intend to marry. Also, understand from the beginning what it is that you are in for: marriage is a commitment, not a convenience.
• The biological clock is an exaggeration. Yes, a woman has a better chance of starting a family before the age of thirty; but don't have a child while you are still a child yourself. True, no one is ever ready to be a parent. Despite what your mother (or mother-in-law) may want you to believe, she can wait a year or two more to have a grandchild to spoil. After all, you are the one who is going to be changing the majority of those dirty diapers . . .
• Are you in a position to get married? In the days of yesteryear, the bride's parents would pay for her wedding. Nowadays, for many, it is the bride herself who is responsible for the bulk of the expenses. Be honest with yourself: Do you have a monthly income that can finance a wedding? Remember: The average American wedding can cost thousands of dollars. Do you want to start your new life off as an indentured servant to a credit card company?
• Have you fulfilled your ambitions? True, a woman's life does not end after she is married; or even after she's a mother. However, there are some things one should consider doing before 'settling down.' Get that college degree, or go backpacking through Europe. Spouses and children, while both gifts, can make youthful aspirations a bit harder to accomplish once they arrive.
• Respect yourself! Love is a beautiful experience; but no man is worth the loss of one's sanity and self-respect. Resist becoming the permanent girlfriend, live-in or not. If your intended mate gives no sign of permanent commitment, consider that it may be time to leave him and move on.

And what of the television, you may ask? Turn it off. 

Books are better for you anyway.